Finding herself
by Lightose8860
Summary: Eli and Clare's love story is still going strong , but this is about Clare and her journey to find herself.
1. Chapter 1

When they sat in the hospital after Clare had given birth to the baby they were just sitting there holding him. He was dead, but this was their son Eli didn't want to leave Clare's side she was the only one who knew how he felt. They moved their heads closer together.

''Good bye Adam Goldsworthy, there's two people in heaven I'm sure will take care of you''. Eli didn't believe in heaven this was the closest he'd ever been to hoping that it was real. When he was sixteen and first met this amazing girl he didn't know what he'd go through with her. Everything. Every horrible thing that could happen to a couple happened to them. He couldn't even list all the horrible things but this was the worst.

The pain in his chest was even worse then when he lost Julia and When he lost Adam. All the other couples would get to take their babies home. But he wouldn't. They wouldn't. Even worse there was no way for him to protect Clare from seeing this. He always tried to Protect Clare. Even when he was mentally healthy he was protective of Clare well now he had no way of doing that. When she had cancer he was able to he might have gone overboard he hadn't liked the idea of her drinking regular smoothies so he only let her drink heath smoothies. He always found a way to be sure she was safe and happy so When Clare's mother drove them to the hospital they sat in the back together.

Both of them had told their parents that they wanted to go through this with one another. They would have too if the baby lived, They felt like this whole experience was supposed to be private between them. They respected that but didn't agree, they wanted the road trip with their baby to be personal and they wanted the last moments with their son to be personal to. ''God I wish we had a sign that he's going to be alright.'' Eli murmured.

''Me too''. She said her eyes tearing up again. ''We might have other kids... but he's always going to be our first.'' Eli nodded she was his forever he knew they were going to be together forever. ''Oh Eli''. She sobbed and because she was holding the baby Eli called out to the doctor.

''Please''. Eli said wanted to hug her. ''Take him. Its time to take him.'' Clare nodded and she let him go he got into the bed with him and she was sobbing into his arms. He was crying into her hair. The three parents watching from the door the last time Helen had see one of Eli's parents was when his dad came over too ask if Clare could come away for the weekend with him. Had she knew Who Eli really was then well she would have said yes in a heartbeat. But she was hurting for her daughter and Eli whenever Clare was in trouble Eli was her second sometimes first supporter.

''Its not fair, its just not fair Eli''. She said. He had tears running down his face.

''No its not, but Clare we will have another baby I promise you one day we will have another baby. It can't replace Adam, but we'll have another child. It'll be beautiful we'll live the future we planned on the road trip. I'll give you that I promise. I meant it, I want to Marry you Clare Edwards.''

''I feel the same way Eli, I want you to have everything you ever wanted''. He kissed her forehead. ''Your so brave''.

''So are you''.

''But I didn't have to give birth to my dead son, you did. I'm so proud of you''. He hugged her close.

''I love you Eli''. She said. ''So much''. They both shut their eyes as the baby was taken away. She sat up and hugged him close. ''Everything, will be Ok.''

''Clare i'm not the one who needs to be supported.'' She nodded.

''You do, you've done it so much for me, let me do it for you''. She hugged his head close to her, just like that time in the car when he was at his worst just feeling like she could be ripped away from him any second. But now it was his son his unborn son who had been ripped away from him both he and Clare were angry how could god do this?

''Eli, its so not fair. I don't understand it, why can't we have our baby?'' Eli kissed her forehead.

''I don't know''. He replied. The doctor returned.

''You two are free to go''. She said softly. When she left Clare sat there for a second and Eli next to her.

''Come on, we should go''. He said this gently, Clare nodded and Eli began to leave so she could get dressed.

''Stay please, I can't be alone without you right now''. He just sat down on the bed reaching for her it took them ten minutes to get the courage to walk out of the hospital and be the only parents on this floor without a baby to take home on top of being the youngest. The other parents with babies about to go home turned to look at him. Eli had his arm around Clare they had both been Crying and people knew right away what had happened. They were all looking at them with sad looks. But Clare broke down she fell into Eli's arms crying her mother and Eli both hugging her.

''Well'll always be his parents''. Eli said. ''Always''. One of the other moms gave them a look.

''I lost two babies before I had my daughter''. She looked down at the baby. ''Annie will be our first and our last, it'll get better I was okay''. Clare sighed. ''I didn't have the father around when my two first babies died.'' She looked at Eli and smiled. ''Your lucky''. Clare looked at Eli.

''I am''. She said hugging him close. He kissed her.

''So am I''. With that they left the floor together hoping one day they would be back here and be able to take a child home''.


	2. Chapter 2

''Are you sure you want to go to work today?'' Eli was about to go to work early the morning after the birth of his baby the one they had lost. His parents had been trying to help him but he didn't really want it.

''Yes, Clare's going to school anyway''. He knew this had been hard on her body, he didn't think she should. But he knew her friends would make her feel better so he didn't talk her out of it. ''I think its better if we both move on mom, get our minds off of all this''. He explained. ''I already asked Spinner for the day off Yesterday, because I was tired from out road trip and I wanted to be with Clare while she had the procedure.''

''I'm sure he would understand if you told him baby boy''. His mother told him.

''Mom, Clare and I don't want to be treated any different by anyone but one another. Besides its none of his business''. He grabbed his keys. ''I'll see you later okay?'' He kissed her cheek. ''Now I've got to go see her before school''.

''Eli''. He sort of glared at his dad.

''Dad, I just need to get my mind off this, we both do''. He explained. ''I just need to go to work, please now I've got to go make sure Clare's doing ok and really wants to go to school''. They shook their heads wishing Eli would listen to reason, but he was a adult his choices.

''Have a good day honey''. His mother said he smiled softly.

''I don't think I will, but thanks''. He left the house.

* * *

He drove over to her house she was sitting on the step. He kissed her on the lips. ''How are you?'' He sat down next to her and help her again for the first time since yesterday.

''As good as a mother who just lost a baby'' She told him He pulled her closer. ''You?''

''I'm about the same.'' He sighed. ''Life goes on right?'' She nodded. ''So I guess tomorrow we should start selling baby stuff?'' She nodded.

''I'll put up some adds on E bay''. She told him. ''And I think maybe we should go talk to someone''. She said. ''A Therapist?'' He thought about it. He didn't really think it would help but he nodded.

''Sure, can't hurt''. He said. ''And you really want to go to school?'' She nodded.

''I just need to get my mind off of all this''. She told him.

''I get it''. He said kissing her hair. They talked for another ten minutes. He just didn't want to move on like nothing ever happened. but it was the only way he knew to do things he wished he had a way to help her. But he kissed her lips again and he drove her to school They had fallen asleep on the phone last night. And spending this morning with her made him feel better.

''See you after school?'' Eli asked her. ''We can go to my house for awhile.'' She smiled at him.

''That sounds perfect''. She told him. ''Here I go.'' She kissed him. ''Good luck at work''. She rubbed his shoulder. He watched her walk in the school missing the times when he used to be able to drive her to school and go in with her. She turned back around and waved at him, he waved back. The two of them just really wanted to be together right now. He sighed and drove into work parking his car and then walked in.

''Hi Eli''. Spinner said Eli smiled and clocked in then started to open. ''How was your day off?'' Eli sighed and stopped working.

''Not much fun, family thing''. He explained. ''Its no big deal''. But it was. But he was wearing his mask the one that he did so well when he didn't want to show his emotions.

''I understand buddy''. He explained. ''Last year one of our employees wives lost a baby''. Eli put down his rag and stood there for a second but then shook his head. ''His wife had to give birth to it. He took several days off.'' Eli shook his head.

''Must of been awful''. He said. ''I can't imagine''. But he could he wished he couldn't but he could he shut his eyes. ''My god.'' He shook his head again and began doing the counter again. ''That must of been so traumatizing.''

''I've got to go Emma'll be waiting''. ''Eli just nodded. ''Call me if you need anything, Sam'll be in soon''. Eli nodded. ''Are you okay Eli?''

''Fine''. He said smiling. No. ''Go I'll be fine.'' Spinner was about to leave. ''Spinner.'' Eli said. ''Was this guy who lost his baby ok?'' Eli asked. ''Did it ever get better? did she ever get better?'' Spinner stopped at the door. ''Did they stop being in so much pain after a while?''

''Me and Emma are just fine Eli. You and Clare will be too.'' Eli dropped his rag.

''How...''

''You wouldn't have asked that other wise. Plus I know your with Clare.'' Spinner explained. ''I'm so sorry Eli.'' Eli nodded.

''It hurts, but it must hurt her so much more''. Spinner nodded.

''It did trust me''. Eli watched him go he spent all day doing what he did everyday. Just wishing he could be with Clare but that couldn't happen till his shift was over so he just kept his mind off of it the best he could. A few hours later some high school students all came in. He always heard every little piece of drama and ignored it normally he didn't care but it was clear Alli wasn't being as understanding as she should be and that bothered him.

''...I am excited for you, but its not that.'' She explained.

''Your heart to heart with Clare didn't go so well?''

''I asked her to help me with Prom and you'd think I''d invited her to her own execution or something.'' Eli looked over he was confused about this. Ali would normally understand about this she would be on bored helping Clare why was she so... had having a boyfriend turned her against Clare? ''I think she's moved on''.

''From high school?'' Well yeah she lost a baby and been through so much of course she wanted out of there.

''No, from me, you know she ditched me this morning to hang out with her boyfriend?'' That wasn't how it went, they'ed needed one another and Alli would be even more mad that Clare was meeting him after school and not her. He'd had a long enough day to listen to this. He stood there livid. ''Her and Eli should just get married, and move to she deserted island where they can read one another pretentious poetry''.

''I thought you'd be a bit more understanding''. He snapped turning around letting out his anger for the first time.

''About the baby? Clare isn't the first girl in the world to get pregnant you know''. Eli didn't Like Alli and he never had this was proof of why. He was feeling angry and protective of Clare, is this what the other kids thought of her at school? Did they talk all about her like that?

''She isn't''. He informed them Ali didn't know and Eli didn't know why but she had her reasons and Eli was backing her up no matter what. ''We lost the baby''.

''Whoa dude I'm so sorry''. Eli ignored them.

''I can't believe she didn't tell you''. He said and went back to clearing tables. Ok so that was a little aggressive but he wasn't going to put up with people talking about Clare. For the rest of the work day he shot daggers at Alli. He was not in a good mood so when Sam came after school to relive him he was out of there in a second just ready to get out of this place and be with Clare.

* * *

''Hi Eli''. He smiled at Clare. ''How was work?'' He smiled at she got into his car for the first time that day he didn't feel anger or sadness, or as much sadness as he was before. But he had to be honest with Clare.

''Rough. How was school?'' Clare sighed and kissed his cheek.

''Rough''. She smiled at him. ''Very rough, I can wait to be out of there.'' She squeezed her hand and he smiled. ''Ready to start selling stuff?'' Eli shrugged.

''No, but I suppose it has to be done, we will be fine. I promise.'' He told her. ''And you and I will be in New York soon, and YOU will be doing whatever you want until you can go to Colombia.

''Are you sure?'' She asked. ''I still feel pretty horrible.''

''I'm positive, its not like we'll ever forget him. But we will forget about the pain. And soon it will be just you and me, all alone in a apartment all the time.'' He started the car. ''Now, lets go to your house to take pictures and take things apart, then to my house to post it on E bay.''

''Then I suppose, that I'll get home and do homework''. She told him. ''Keep my mind off of all this the best thing I can do''. He didn't ask her why she hadn't told Alli That was between them. But all this baby stuff was between him and Clare and always would be. As they drove, Eli and Clare were quite but when they went through the house and to Clare's room.

''Whats with the air mattress?'' He asked sitting down on her bed.

''Darcy's coming home''. She explained. ''She said she wants to be here for the last few weeks of my Sr year.'' Clare crossed her arms. ''But, she doesn't know about anything about me. She went Kenya to runaway from her issues. Eli, I've changed since we last spoke I was 15 when we last spoke.'' He put his arm around her. ''She seems to think i'm still the same Clare I was when she left. She's not going to be happy about any of this''.

''She's your sister, Once she's home and settled I bet you two'll bond''. He smiled and she shrugged.

''I hope. I hope she's changed to.'' She sighed. ''Can we just forget about the baby stuff?''

''And do what?'' He asked her. She smiled and kissed him and he kissed her and he put his arms around her and they fell over on to the bed he wasn't sure if this was a good plan.

''Are you sure?''

''Yes, I'm on the pill remember?'' He smirked and they continued this was a good way to get over all of this, maybe they just needed to be together. ''I love you Eli''.

''I love you too Clare''. She smiled and he felt better then he had all day. ''You have no clue how much I love you''. He stroked her cheek, he'd been through so much with her. And he loved her more and more every day. ''And I'll love you forever''.


End file.
